“It Tastes Like the Sea”

Baker Binturong, 2015

Acrylic on canvas

You are looking at a tragic victim of a mass mermaid stranding, now so common on far Eastern shores that rescuers are suffering from compassion fatigue. Biologists are not in agreement as to the reason for the increase in mermaid wash-ups. Conjectures range from a distemper epidemic to the lure of Victoria Secret bra sales at the mall. Other scientists claim that adolescent mermaids do it on a dare and then get caught at low tide. The artist Binturong claims that this was the “last one left flapping” so he did what anystarving artist would have done - painted her, filleted her and then sold it to a posh sushi restaurant. The poor creature’s caviar he served at his first retrospective show, paired with a chilled New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. The art lovers exclaimed, “Delicious! But it’s absolutely heart rending to think about the plight of those unfortunate things. Can’t something be done?”

K.L.

“The City Makes Me Sad”

Chaz Frickly, 2009

Acrylic on canvas

Here’s another pretty cityscape at sundown, cheerfully adorned with bubble gum colors and a whimsical array of happy lights. But look more closely and see – no, feel – Chaz Frickly’s morbid fragility that permeates this piece. Following an ancient course, the Hudson River, sludges by like purple pudding, thick with the decomposing corpses of disappeared goombahs. It swells the banks, threatening to inundate an unstable city, buildings huddled pathetically against one another like enfeebled pensioners waiting helplessly in the gathering gloom. Overhead an indifferent cosmos hangs, waiting for the final curtain call to drop and smother everything below. Frickly admitted that he added the ominous sky as an afterthought, having learned that his Dunbar’s number was just 25.

K.L.

“The Voices In Her Head”

Francine Penna Deet, 2015

Dyed artisanal munge on aggregated tranche paper

One of the mysteries of viewing great art, or even so-so art, is the wide variety of individual responses from viewers; that phenomenon, known as Respondeamus Arti postulates that 100 observers may have 100 different emotional or physical reactions. Some proclaim noisily, “My kid could have painted that!” or “I don’t get it. What does it mean?” Still others, mostly in the Scandinavian countries, simply frown, shake their heads and return home for an evening of vigorously tube feeding themselves lutefisk and listening to ACDC’s “Big Balls.” In this painting, we see a little girl, with the classic signs of micturition urgency. The intelligent viewer mustconclude that the stern portrait she views has rekindled memories of a cruel 2ndgrade teacher rapping her knuckles in front of a spellbound class. We are in fact witnessing a pivotal moment - Did she make it to the restroom in time or was the janitor called?

K.L.

“Bonnet of Pacification”

Moses Manuel, 2002

Charcoal on paper

Looking like a fashionable hat from the 1930s, this gray matter liquefier and suction device was used on Earthling captives during the epic battle with the Zorids from planet Roqu (ca. 25,000 BCE.) Well known in the volitant circum science community, the artist Manuel painstakingly illustrates one-of-a-kind artifacts such as Tinker Bell’s skeleton, a bumpy skull used in 19thcentury phrenology classes, and the remains of a family of freeze dried basement demons. His fine drawings have been used in many deliberative cases during which “Merton’s norms” were stringently applied to determine artifact authenticity and scientific merit. Debate is fierce and many decisions are still pending.

K.L.

“The Magic Bus”

Jingle P. Jones 2015

Infused Ground Antipolo Leaves on Balete tree bark, gold, silver, and red solder

Created at the height of a jeepney workers’ strike in Quezon City, this humble little piece was meant to inspire commuters to support their struggle, but events took an unexpected turn. Forced to walk to and from work, the public soon realized what excellent health benefits resulted from vigorous twice-daily exercise, and within weeks the craze had spread throughout the entire country! As a result of the new consciousness, people began to demand healthier, more affordable food options and relocated closer to their employment, thereby increasing the quality of their lives. Gas prices plummeted and the bottom fell out of the oil market as research and development in renewable, sustainable energy skyrocketed. Investment bankers, and oil and pharmaceutical executives were encouragedto work in the fields planting and harvesting organic fruits and vegetables. This miraculous paradigm change spread throughout the world just in time to arrest global warming - and we all lived happily ever after - because sometimes a painting is more than just a bus.

K.L.

“She Couldn’t Stop Talking

Persis Drel 2007

Shadrack and indigo on dumpster aged kitchen cabinet door

Painted during his “Blue Period” the artist Drel created this portrait of his wife following a 2 hour argument about cleaning the dryer lint trap. “She literally became blue in the face!” he said, “but her eyes are what really grabbed me. They were so determined and yet so vacant - like a retriever dog who can’t stop chasing the ball.“ His other blue paintings include the Blue People of Kentucky, a Milk of Magnesia bottle still life and maps of his varicose veins.

K.L.

“Trump Hut, circa 1750”

Hermes Trismegistus, 1996

Acrylic on canvas

Trismegistus is known for his historical paintings of the ancestral homes of the criminally insane. After going underground and changing his identity with plastic surgery, Trismegistus decided to release this painting of Donald Trump’s 18thcentury Scottish ancestors’ early land development endeavors. In the face of a rat-infested thatch, crumbling stonework, and ragged blue jean window coverings, we see the tenant fleeing from a groping and slavering landlord. Additional work by the artist includes the castle nursery chamber of baby Vlad the Impaler and a street view of Jack the Ripper’s charming Whitechapel walkup.

K.L.

AC196

“Flirting On a Summer’s Day”

Newie Dumka, 1985

Watercolor on paper

Chaos happily merges with order in this work by the eminently talented transcendent artist Dumka. The axiomatic and operational semantics of an abstract machine at play in its highest form can be clearly seen as the push and pop of the fat needles fill the empty stacks until they are nonempty. The vitality of this piece is defined by a frenetic red bull vertical calibration that assumes multiple alliances as it playfully constructs a couple in the early days of courtship. Adrift in curious confusion, the devoted art lover may find herself bowing in humble submission to the soaring power of this work, because she knows that in art, as in life, complete surrender may at times be necessary.

K.L.

”Cauchemardesque Cascade”

Buhl Cenote, 2004

Dealcoholised red wine, Krebs buffer mixed with quercetin-C and acrylic on paper

This work depicts a fish with chicken legs taking a midnight stroll in the snow. After prolonged attempts to divine its meaning, many art lovers complain of exquisite pangs, like when someone pokes a finger really hard into your belly button. When consulted for an antidote, the respected senior art analyst Herr Cecil Brunner advised us, “After the war we would apply the now defunct cannulated everted jejunal sack technique to anyone suffering from umbilical art pains. And then if this did not work, we would take a good measure of schnapps, maybe two, and just forget about it.”

K.L.

“Ten Days of Temptation”

Rocky Grabbo, 2015

Dried eucrasia flowers mixed with oleated riblets applied to Vaucheron paper

We found this piece in the roadside weeds and decided to search for its creator, Rocky Grabbo. We discovered him at ”Red’s Recovery Room” - just down the road from the plowed under pet cemetery and asked him to interpret the painting. After downing his beer, he explained that he had been in a phase of life “where death seemed like an attractive alternative to the hot mess” he was in. He’d been seeing a peaceful white light every time he brushed his teeth and had felt strangely drawn to it, but all the crap in his life kept getting in the way of his exit strategy. His buddy, Big Bob Pontius, had bought the painting as a surprise for his old lady but she never saw it because Bob’s Harley had gone under a semi on his way home. He’d said he’d had always wondered where the painting had gone to and that now the only white light he felt drawn to was the one over the doorway at Red’s.

K.L.

“Amethystina In Capsule Form, B.I.D”

Helgi Blatherstone, 2006

Oil paint and collage on Twaddler’s faux pentateuque thrice scraped

A collector of great art feels a sort of vibration as he draws near to a piece that is meant just for him - a kind of tingling, itchy feeling like ants crawling up their backbone. Walking into the thrift store that day, smelling the stale cigarette smoke and cheap old lady perfume, and seeing the “50% off all pink tags” sale sign, we knewsomething fantastic was about to happen. The saleslady, resembling Sister Wendy’s daughter with front teeth like a steam engine’s cowcatcher, reluctantly showed us this purple prize. She confessed she wanted it to go over her yellow couch, but this made no difference to us and we snatched it right from under her greedy fingers. Honestly, some people have such a sense of entitlement!

K.L.

“My Beautiful Life”

Delbert Chucker Twitwit, 2005

Acrylic on canvas

The critics may have set upon this painting like a pack of ravenous wolves, but I will endeavor to defend it as an honest attempt by Twitwit to capture a delightful (and possibly romantic!) moment drinking wine on the beach and watching earth’s final moments before it crashes into a fiery convergence with the sun. I won’t be tempted to make a derisive comment about the pathetically rendered plants or the clouds that look like a cross between Casper the Friendly Ghost and an invading alien fleet from planet Kepler–438b. And to be fair, it is verydifficult to paint sparkling tropical water, so painting a giant bowl of mai tai is a sensible substitute, I suppose. Of course red flowing wine always presents a challenge for anyartist, hence a curling giraffe tongue in the bottom of the glass deserves a kindly nod. Sometimes it’s best to take the high road with these sorts of things.

K.L.

“The Road to Hell Is Plowed With Bad Perspective”

Brock Danforth Daniels, 1935

Oil on canvas

In this disquieting work Daniels diddles halfheartedly around the edges of a naïve painting style - but Grandma Moses or Rousseau he is not and as with most diddling, we are left feeling hung out to dry and frustrated. The barn and house quietly sit there like turds on the sidewalk – something to be noted, repulsed by and then cautiously gone around. Quickly loosing interest, our eyes wander to the horizon where a dingy sun, neither rising nor setting, hangs smothered in a dark, ominous gloom. We didlike the mauve colored snow. It was nice and reminded us of raspberry gelato.

K.L.

“Self Portrait Fecund”

Gussy Stronghold, 1999

Dobla spadices and acrylic on dunite sealed wefted paper

Presented as a unified experience of tenderness and exposé, this unadorned self-portrait by Ms. Stronghold arrests the viewer’s gaze as it excites his imagination. We find the artist proudly presenting her lovely torso as a manifestation of 20 years of bricklaying in the back allies of Philadelphia. Slightly deformed clavicles hang from shoulders that would make a Sumo wrestler jealous, as a massive arm with a balloon-like hand gestures toward a swollen belly in its 3rdtrimester. At the center of the picture lies a curiously diminished breast. Diminished yes, but crowned by a lively pink nipple, that promises absolute fountains of milk! The allusion to the ancient Venus of Willendorf is not lost on us - neither is the gladiator combat robe thrown casually across her shoulder. It seems our Ms. Stronghold is a woman of many talents.

K.L.

“It’s All in Your Head”

Festus Lacey, 1993

Tinted globular fatty tissue scraped from kitchen wall on canvas

Specializing in paintings inspired by his home improvement projects, Lacey is one of our most versatile artists, displaying his creative genius at a very early age. When only 12 years old, he was awarded an Eagle Scout Merit badge for the construction of a DIY in-home Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) scanner. Lacey shares this anatomical study of his own mid brain cross section painting done just days after his trial run with the new machine. We see here the “missile-effect” that resulted when refrigerator magnets – the MRI test was done in the kitchen – ricocheted through his brain on their way to the center of the giant magnet. The spots of excited color highlight areas of exceptional transient neural activity captured at the exact moment of impact. But, undaunted and driven by an unquenchable curiosity, our intrepid artist has continued to produce more paintings, most notably “Sunday Morning Breakfast - An Exploration in Making Toast with Kitchen Counter Nuclear Power” and “Fingerless - Lessons Learned Teaching Piranhas How to Balance Treats On Their Noses.”

K.L.

“The Weltschmerz Window”

Harold Teaters, 1971

Acrylic on pressed sheets of pre chewed Gluten free rice cakes

Having successfully spent 20 years inventing and perfecting bovine teat washers known as Teater’s Teat Cups, the artist turned his prodigious talents to painting pictures of dogs sleeping. This, his final work, stands out as uniquely different from the others. It is a prescient piece that seems to express the artist’s deepest fears regarding the human condition. His cryptic notes, taped to the back of the painting give us some clues. Are we all mechanical rabbits, trapped, squeaking, and invisible, chased by murderous greyhounds? Is the disembodied dog head our higher self, horrified, but helpless to intervene? Alternatively, he suggests we are all greyhounds running after a mechanical lure that we will never catch. The race will end and we will be led away, exhausted losers, to drink tepid water, and eat processed kibble out of a dirty bowl with our puppy picture posted as click-bait on adoption websites. After finishing this piece, Teaters was found curled up on an old blanket at the foot of his easel, mouth full of dry dog food, sleeping soundly.

K.L.

“The One That Got Away”

Squeakie Hotsacker, 1998

God knows what on canvas

In this, the most cathartic piece in our collection, the artist Hotsacker has created a poignant monument to his heartbreak and personal pathos with a messy acrylic ejaculation potently applied and manipulated while still wet and slick. Feelings of passionate nostalgia are enshrined in a massive ivory-like frame that barely contains the globby swirliy whirlies of regurgitated regret. Those who know Hotsacker say that, still in pain, he continues to look for love in all the wrong places, that he’d lost that lovin’ feeling and would never… no, never… love again. This piece shouts to anyone listening, “You’re breaking my heart, Lisa!”

K.L.